haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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