dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
if i can run in heels then i can drive
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
