He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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