i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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