Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
