When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I don't deserve a penis
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
