I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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