the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
