its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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