we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
