U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Is Oprah even human
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
