We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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