i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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