I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
