Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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