I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
