there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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