Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
