so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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