On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
