Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
God, I missed his penis.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
