I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Someone came in the potted fern
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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