My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
