Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
3 2 1 whiskey
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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