I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
