So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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