I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just cropdusted the office
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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