Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
