Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
