My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
