3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
No subtext here. People are naked.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
