We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
