I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
