so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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