I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
