The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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