So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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