Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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