im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
