Define "chronic" masturbator.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
