just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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