I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
