Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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