Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
