god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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