I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
