oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
