In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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