Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
