new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
he laminated a picture of his dick.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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