She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
