Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
